Today marks eleven years of marriage. That’s a huge milestone in my life given, at the age of 9, I hand-wrote an application for future ladies to fill out in order to be the mother of my child (yes, I have had issues for some time). Unfortunately, I did not always have the best models of marriage growing up, so much of what I learned about being a husband came late in life or within marriage. I’m thankful for the growth God has graced me with to be a better man and husband. I want to share some of the insights I have learned along this eleven year journey in hopes that they will help you in life. They are in no particular order.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not perfect and continue to learn as I continue to live. Much of this insight came through trial & error. Learn from it.
FALLING IN LOVE IS A DESSERT; CHOOSING TO LOVE IS A MEAL
Many people strive to meet someone who they can fall in love with and eventually be with for the rest of your lives. Although this is a good thing and definitely can benefit a relationship, a marriage cannot be based on falling in love alone. True love is not an emotion, but rather a choice. True love in a marriage happens when you choose to love your spouse based on how God has love you. This type of love is a love that is based more on commitment than it is all circumstances. Choosing to love is the meal while falling in love is the dessert. Order matters.
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR IS A MUST
The same way that my vehicle needs to be serviced routinely in order to run properly a marriage works the same way. All marriages will get a point where a tune up is needed. Tune-ups help prevent major (and costly) repairs. Marriage counseling can serve as a tune-up for couples. It is a time to bring a neutral third-party into the marriage to help flesh out and resolve current and/or potential issues. Making sure the counselor holds the same spiritual convictions as you and your spouse is paramount. Routine maintenance may seem like a waste of time and money now, but it pays off down the road.
YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD KNOW HE/SHE MATTERS MORE TO YOU THAN ANY OTHER PERSON
A life live without priorities is a life that will constantly be chaotic. At the top of a married person’s priorities should be your spouse. (NOTE: As a Christian your spouse should come after God, but should come before any other person.) Your spouse should never have to wonder where they fall on your list of priorities. Regardless of your relationship with parents, children, or work your time, energy, and finances should all indicate that your spouse is at the top.
TRUTH MAY HURT BUT IT’S NECESSARY
There are times when it is much easier to skirt the truth rather than being bold and speaking the truth in love. A person owes his/her spouse the benefit of knowing the truth no matter what. Sure, there are times when the truth will hurt, but if it is shared in love it is better than any alternative. Remember, a hard truth is better than a soft lie.
GIVE EACH OTHER ROOM TO GROW
In the music industry artists are now expected to come to a record label prepackaged with fans, a finished album, and a ready-made future. Many record labels have moved away from developing artists and simply want artist they can cash in on now. Be careful of bringing this mindset into marriage. We want our spouses to come to us prepackaged, ready to meet our every desire. We have to understand that we are all imperfect people and that your spouse will be just as imperfect (if not more imperfect) as we are. We have to give each other time to grow and a safe place to work out issues that were brought into the marriage. In other words, marriage requires patience… and a lot of it!
“WHY” YOU GOT TOGETHER IS IRRELEVANT; STAYING TOGETHER IS RELEVANT
When trouble arises in a marriage many times a person refers back to you “why” they and their spouse married in the first place. Although this may be beneficial in certain ways it usually will not resolve the issue. As a friend puts it, when two people join in marriage, they’re stuck! Instead of playing CSI and retracing the steps that lead to the marriage, one must be willing to do the tireless work required to redeem and grow the marriage. Focus on the future and not the past.
WHO YOU MARRIED THEN IS NOT WHO YOU’RE MARRIED TO NOW
Take a look at your wedding album and wedding video and enjoy those moments. Then realize that same people you are looking at no longer exist. As people we are constantly changing and evolving (hopefully for the better) and we must be careful not to expect our spouse to be who they were when we married them (especially the longer you’re married). Accepting your spouse where he or she currently is will be one that one of the most liberating acts you can do in your marriage.
START FORGIVING…AND FINISH FORGIVING
If your beliefs are the foundation of your marriage then forgiveness is the framing upon the foundation. As a home needs a firm foundation and sturdy framing to last, choosing to forgive your spouse will help to keep the marriage from experience dangerous shifting. The faster forgiveness takes place, the less potential damage done to the marriage. Forgiveness in marriage is by far one of the most unnatural feats simply because we are not wired to forgive, and your marriage is a relationship you are not to walk away from. However, it is one of the most important acts in a marriage. Learning how to walk through the forgiveness process and how to live that out in your marriage will determine the quality and quantity of the relationship.
SNITCH TO GOD ON YOUR SPOUSE FIRST BEFORE YOU SNITCH TO OTHERS
A natural instinct when someone offends or hurts us is to run and tell others. Although this is natural and can be helpful at times, it can also pose a threat to an already volatile situation. Getting in the habit of “telling on your spouse” to God is a better first step. 1) It can improve your prayer life, 2) help you to get on the same page with God, and 3) move you towards forgiveness faster. An added benefit of this is once the issue has been resolved God will not hold grudges against your spouse. That’s not always the case with others.
ENJOY EACH OTHER & CAPTURE THE SPECIAL MEMORIES
It’s easy for a marriage to become stale after so many years. The same stories. The same routine. The same face every morning. If not appreciated, the “sameness” (consistency in marriage) can be perceived as negative. Learn to infuse the “sameness” with spontaneity and fun. Memories outlasts gifts, so learning to have those special memories will lend itself down the road when times get tough. It also lessens the tension by realizing that just as you have experienced special memories in the past, there’s room for more special memories in the future.
ABOVE ALL IS, LOVE GOD MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE
As much as we’re called to love and respect our spouse, our love for our God in comparison shouldn’t even come close! God deserves a special place in each of our lives…at the top. When we learn to love (and be loved by) God first, it creates an overflow effect in our lives. The love He pours into us in so fulfilling and breathtaking that it naturally overflows into the other areas of our lives. The top person in our lives (ideally your spouse) should be the one to experience that love.
Hopefully these insights will prove valuable in your relationship now or in the future.
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